Chicago Wedding Minister Toni Maddi: Wedding Wiz

Premarital Counseling

2010-04-01T06:06:00.000-07:00

Is the success of your wedding worth the cost of your cake? Most couples spend at least six months preparing for their wedding, but how much time do they take preparing for their marriage? Every couple thinks their marriage will endure — it's in the vows ("till death do us part"), but half of them are wrong according to the divorce rate.

Life Innovations' Prepare-Enrich program offers couples the opprotunity to build the skills they will need to last until death parts them. By finding a certified counselor to work with, couples can come closer as they learn skills that will enhance their relationship. Each partner is sent a 165 question inventory that they take separately. Life Innovations then sends the counselor about twenty pages of charts and graphs so that the sessions can be personalized. The sessions cover such topics as communication, conflict resolution, money management, stress profiles, family of origin, personality traits, and raising children. The sessions are enjoyable as each partner learns more about the other and his- or herself.

A wedding is about one day while a marriage is about a lifetime. Couples shouldn't assume that thier marriage will last with beauty, fidelity and love. Invest in your relationship with marriage preparation sessions. Go to www.prepare-enrich.com for more information and to find a counselor near you.

Choosing your ceremony music

2010-03-02T10:13:00.000-08:00

A few years ago I was conducting a wedding rehearsal. The musicians were there and the leader of the quartet asked me, “Have you heard Canon in D?” I replied, “Do you mean yet today?”

Most wedding professionals long to hear unique ceremony music because we hear Pachelbel’s Canon in D at close to half of the weddings we participate in. And most of the couples who don’t have Pachelbel choose what TV and movies have convinced us is the traditional processional, the dum dum dum-dum Here Comes the Bride, which is Wagner’s Bridal Chorus from Lohengrin. And if that’s what you have your heart set on, by all means you should have what you want at your wedding.

But to impress your guests and leave them saying, “That was so you!,” choose something memorable and unique. For the processional you might have Lara’s Theme from the classic movie Dr. Zhivago. It’s lovely and evocative. There are some Beatles songs that, when played by a string trio or cello and guitar are wonderful additions, songs such as Here, There and Everywhere, And I Love Her or Till There Was You. Enya’s Only Time is an instrumental that’s beautiful lilting and haunting.

The choices are endless for the recessional. You can bridge the gap between the ceremony and the reception by choosing something upbeat whether it’s Dixieland jazz, a rock song or a classic that guests will recognize. I’ve heard the 80’s rock song Melt with You by Modern English, Hey Ya by Outkast, the ukulele version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow done by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole and Linus and Lucy famous from the Charlie Brown specials. One of my favorites is It’s a Wonderful World by Louis Armstrong.

At our wedding my husband and I had a string quartet. For the recessional we chose Dean Martin’s That’s Amore. The guests heard the sound of the strings and assumed it was going to be a classical piece and then all laughed when they recognized the strains of “When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore!” It was touching, unique, memorable and wholly us. Talk to your DJ or musicians about ceremony music and let them help you choose the perfect songs to match your personality.

Unusual, unique weddings

2010-02-18T07:01:00.000-08:00

One of the brides I met with last week asked me about the most unusual wedding I’ve done. I told her about the two most atypical ceremonies that came to my mind and didn’t remember the third until a few of days later.

The most unusual wedding was also one of the loveliest and most meaningful. The bride was Sikh and the groom was Lutheran and they had a double ceremony. We started outside where the groom entered on a white horse with the family beating drums to announce his arrival. Then we went inside and took off our shoes to enter the wedding site. Everyone sat on the floor. The women had colorful scarves covering their heads and the men wore turbans or makeshift head coverings. The Sikh ceremony was fascinating and included the couple walking around the center clockwise. The bride must look solemn to symbolize her sadness at leaving her family, but she found it hard to pull off on such a joyous occasion! Everyone eats Karah Parshad which is semolina, butter and sugar during the ceremony. After the Sikh portion, I presided over a traditional Western ceremony.

A number of years ago, a bride called and asked if I would marry her and her fiancé in their backyard. Naturally I said yes; I love providing a couple with exactly what they imagine. She said it was going to be very casual. She wasn’t kidding! When I got there, they were in their pajamas! The bride had dressed it up by adding pearls. They read the vows they had written to each other, lit a unity candle and then we went in to enjoy cake and champagne.

Last summer I performed a wedding at a Starbucks. The bride worked there. The groom was a regular and so they met. The ceremony was full of coffee puns and the rings were presented on straws in their favorite iced coffee drinks. People coming in to get a beverage wound up being wedding guests. It was unique and fun.

And this weekend I’ll be in Homewood at Bamboo Blue marrying a couple who had their first date there. It’ll be just the three of us. Very romantic.

Most weddings are in more traditional settings, but I enjoy the occasional ceremony that’s completely unique. How will you personalize your wedding?

The Perfect Marriage Proposal

2010-02-09T08:12:00.000-08:00

One of the perks of my job is getting to hear how couples got engaged. Every story reveals something fundamentally lovely about their relationship.

Some women don’t like to be surprised and so they have a discussion about marriage and then go with their boyfriend to pick out a ring together and it’s all very low key.

But the majority of brides I meet are blown away by the thought and creativity their fiancés have put into planning the perfect surprise. I’ve heard stories about engagements on the tops of mountains, by the sea, in restaurants, at a Cubs game, at home, and in Starbucks among others.

Some of my favorite stories include the man who took his girlfriend to the park they had gone to on one of their first dates. He had gone there earlier that afternoon and placed bouquets of flowers along the path to make it especially beautiful. When they arrived at a bench on the path, he invited his girlfriend to sit down and then got on one knee, pulled out the ring and asked her to marry him.

Another couple got engaged on Valentine’s Day. They each bought the other an M&M plush toy and box of chocolates with Elvis on the top, not knowing that the other had bought the exact same toy and box of candy!

With a Sadie Hawkins-like twist, one woman drove from Carbondale to Chicago to propose to her man. Since she was proposing, she bought a ring for him. What a wonderful way to say, “I don’t want to have a long distance relationship any more”!

I’ve heard more than one story where a man has the dog deliver the ring. Is it for the element of surprise or to lessen the feeling of rejection should his girlfriend say no?

Some men plan dinner in a fancy restaurant, but if that’s not the couple’s style, the woman is sure to know something is up. I was with a couple last week who has a laid-back style and never go to swanky restaurants. So for their engagement the groom took the bride-to-be to their regular casual restaurant and proposed there.

Women can now say yes to a proposal in the Field Museum’s Grainger Hall. For $350 the museum will put the ring in a display case. As your tour the museum and you get to that case, the man can propose, open the case and present the ring. The wedding proposal package includes a champagne toast.

I’d love to hear your story. How did you get engaged?

How do I make my wedding ceremony unique?

2010-02-05T07:45:00.000-08:00

As I’ve said, your wedding should reflect you and your fiancé. But how can you make that happen? The best way is to think about what uniquely binds the two of your together. It may be family and friends, travel, enjoying wine, a pet, working for social justice or sports. Whatever it is that helps to define the two of you, weave that into your ceremony as well as into the rest of your wedding.

I have helped couples incorporate those themes, as well as others, into their ceremony.

If family and friends are important and people have traveled a long way to be there for your wedding, mention at the beginning of the ceremony the far-flung cities that are represented by your guests and thank them for coming such a long way.

If you both love to travel together, mention in your couple’s story some of the places you’ve visited and how they helped to deepen your relationship. You can also have photos of those places instead of table numbers at the reception.

If enjoying wine is one of your hobbies, have a wine ceremony as one of the elements in your wedding. There are a number of different ones to choose between, from the traditional French wine ceremony performed when a man and a woman from families of different vineyards get married, to a lovely Jewish ceremony that includes a sweet and a bitter wine representing the sweetness and bitterness of the cup of life that you share.

If your venue will allow you to include your beloved pet and you think he or she will not be overwhelmed, consider having them either walk the bride down the aisle or be the ring bearer. And be prepared for the ceremony to not be focused on you for a minute or two!

A sports-themed wedding can be achieved with or without being over the top. A few years ago I officiated a wedding at Wrigley Field. The bridesmaids wore blue, naturally, and the bride and groom served baseball park snacks for the reception. The local news covered the wedding because it was so unusual — and meaningful for the couple.

Whatever you and your fiancé share can be brought into your ceremony so that your guests will all tell you, “That was so you!”

You’re engaged. So now what?

2010-01-28T07:50:00.000-08:00

Congratulations! You’ve decided to take the plunge and get married. What do you do after you’ve told your family and friends the big news?

Your first step is to discuss what sort of ceremony you’d like. Maybe you’ve dreamt about your wedding day since you were a little girl. Maybe you’ve planned it in your mind down to the last detail. But wait—you’re not the only one getting married. Your ceremony should not only reflect both of you, but should also tread the fine line between what you envision and what your families are expecting.

When I got married, I wanted an outdoor wedding in my parents’ backyard with a polka band. Seriously. My family wanted a church wedding with a reception at their country club. Those two ideas are miles apart and I had no idea how to bridge the gap, so guess what I ended up with. The church and the country club. I can hardly imagine a ceremony that reflected me and my husband less.

Here are some things to consider:
What tone do we want to set? Formal? Casual? Traditional? Completely unique? Do we need a combination of styles to appease different factions?

How religious are we? How religious are our families? You want your ceremony to reflect your spirituality so that it doesn’t ring false, but you don’t want to offend your families. This is easier than you might think.

Who do we want to participate in the ceremony? There are roles for as many people as you would like to honor from bridesmaids and groomsmen to readers and musicians to people bringing in any special elements you may use such as candles, sand or wine.

Once you’ve decided on those three things, finding the venue, officiant, musicians or DJ, florist and photographer will be more straightforward and uncomplicated. Your officiant should be able to guide you so that all your guests say, “That ceremony was so you!”